According to my baby ticker, Logan is 3 years 11 months and 2 weeks old! I can't believe how fast the time has gone by. It seems like not too long ago that JR and I were holding this little boy. He fit so perfectly in my arms, and when JR held him, he just looked so tiny. I remember talking with JR about "when he gets older"...the long talks of when he starts to play sports - that day has come. The talks of when he starts school....that day has come...I just signed Logan up at the Baptist church pre-school. He will go 2 days a week starting at the end of August through December. After the Christmas break he will return, but he will go 4 days a week until summer. I am going to be really honest - because this is pretty much like a diary - so here it goes...I am being an incredibly selfish mom. I can say that I am starting him at 2 days and moving him to 4 in order to help him transition, but the truth is, I am doing it for me - to help me transition. I am not ready to let him go. I struggle with this every year...and end up keeping him home and find another excuse as to why I haven't put him in school (usually my excuse is money, and it is valid...but somehow I know we would find the money to do it if we needed to). I love my little boy so much, and I know that he should go ahead and start school. It will be great for him socially and a head start on academics never hurts. I told the lady I was concerned about him being a little behind, and that I didn't want him to be in a 4 year old class if they were all ahead of him, so she sat with him and asked him some questions...he pretty much amazed me - she said he would fit in just fine, that he is right where he should be. Hopefully she wasn't just being nice - LOL I know that I talk about him being behind a lot...but here's the thing....I was kind of a brainiac in school...I liked to read, I liked doing homework - I asked for extra credit even though I was making an A in the class. I liked studying....basically - if I told my parents I had homework to do, they would leave me alone. However, I had a lot of friends who went to CM (Content Mastery) for help with certain subjects...basically it meant that they were behind for some reason or another. EACH and EVERY one of these people had low self esteem...I had one friend - Nicole Wade - The girl was probably the most gorgeous girl in the entire school. Blond Hair, the bluest eyes, sweetest personality, straightest, whitest teeth that never had braces. Her eyelashes went on for miles, as well as her legs. She was so sweet, and kind to everyone and everyone loved her - even the bitchiest of bitchy girls couldn't find anything bad to say about her...but she was a slow reader...It started in kindergarten and continued until graduation...she just couldn't ever catch up (not to mention that the CM teachers just gave students the answers instead of actually working with them - another time). She had such low self esteem that started so young - no matter what she had going for her...she felt stupid, she said stupid people were useless in this world. One day she half jokingly commented that she was going to try out for a photoshoot, maybe she could be a "dumb model". Well she did it, and she got the job...she modeled for Academy, Dillards, and a few others. My point is, that my niece is going through the same thing right now...she is a slow reader, and her self confidence is shot - she hates to read aloud...she sounds out EVERY word - even "the" even though she knows it...and when someone asks her to read, she turns red, gets shy, and becomes introverted which is totally opposite of who this little girl is. She just turned 8...and I feel that we should be building our kids up...we should show them and teach them to have self worth...ESPECIALLY our little girls, but also our boys. So I worry that if Logan is behind a little it might dampen his spirit. All I can say - is that I am aware of the affects, and if he is behind now or in the future...I will work with him for hours, I will help him catch up and I will do it in a way that lets him know how special he is. One thing my kids will have that their mommy didn't have a lot of is self confidence...my mom always tore us girls down no matter what - but I choose to always build my kids up! My mom constantly reminded me that I was awkward looking, my legs too long, too skinny, too many freckles, my teeth were crooked, my neck was too long - then I gained weight my senior year and it was constantly "wow...your like a little balloon" "if your boobs get any bigger your going to fall over" "geez, are you pregnant" "you know, if you ever want to meet a man and get married, you might not want to act so smart...guys dont like that" It was constant...I didn't know what to think - all I knew was that nothing I did would be good enough...It took about 26 years for me to come to terms with that knowledge (I'll be 28 this year - lol). I dont want my kids to think they are better than anyone - but I want them to be the best they can be.
So now I have babbled on and on...sorry -scattered thoughts today
2 comments:
Those were horrible things for a mother to say. I can't imagine my mom ever treating me like that. Your parents are supposed to be the people you trust the most. They keep you safe for the first part of your life. Most kids will believe something if their parent tells them so. How sad. Glad you're breaking the cycle. :)
I think a lot of it was just her sick sense of humor... sometimes I think that in her own strange way she was actually complimenting me - but it felt like an insult. Like I said, I am almost 28 - I have only come to accept these things for what they are for about 2 years...even then its only about 80%. I never doubt that my mom loves me - she just has a different way of showing it...and I think that she was so hard on herself and probably had such a low self esteem herself growing up - and even now that she just pushes it on other people as well, even her own children. For me, it's something I have to work on - but I am aware of it...and I choose to tell my children that they are perfect in every way...I want them to actually BELIEVE it. To be proud of themselves, to hold their heads high, to have kind hearts but not be push overs. I want them to have everything - especially confidence in themselves!
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