So, here we are, 2 days from Thanksgiving, and we still have no concrete plans. My mom has Isabella and Isaiah this week, I told her I wanted to have them one night this week....she still hasn't called. I talked to her on Saturday night, she said she would let me know what the holiday plans were...I still haven't heard anything. So, here is what is going to happen. JR and I have decided to go to my dad's football game on Friday. It is at 2:00 in Victoria. From there, we will drive to Galveston and stay the weekend and head home. What will happpen is my mom will get mad that we didn't make plans with her and that she didn't get to celebrate with her family. She will turn it around to be my fault for making plans without her and leaving her out.
I am not in a good place right now. Holiday's can be stressful, and I have put off thinking about it for this exact reason. I have noticed that everyone I love seems to know exaclty what buttons to push with me. It seems that they knew before I did, how much I take on. Somehow, no matter what I do, I always feel as though I am lacking and everyone in my life knows this which allows them to turn things around to make it seem like it's my fault when they dont do something. I am so sick of it. I have a hard time with this because with other people I generally dont have an issue with speaking my mind, but when it comes to my family, I am a giant push over. I am the peacemaker, I sometimes feel like I should just shoulder the responsibility of whatever issues arise because its easier than listening to everyone fight. I know this sounds like a lot of rambling, and I wish I could give a good example of it, but I can't right now. I am too emotional, I kind of feel a little bit on the crazy side so its probably better to just work through it.
I love Thanksgiving and I always hold this hope that it will be what I want it to be, except it never is. In fact, I think each year gets a little more disappointing. So I have decided to stop trying to find a perfect Thanksgiving in other people. Next year, I am going to do my own Thanksgiving. I will most likely still travel to my Nanny's house because her company is more than enough for me. It's hard during the holidays because I know how tired she gets. So next year, I am going to learn to cook all on my own. My Family can come - or not...but either way I will have my husband and my kids, and then we can travel and see my Nanny.
I feel like such a scrooge. I have no desire to do Christmas, other than to see my kids happy to open gifts. I dont want anything to do with a tree or decorating - I could care less about all of it. I would seriously rather just skip the whole thing. YUP, definitely Scrooge material. I told you I wasn't in a good place. I kind of wish we were going on our cruise through the Christmas holiday so I could just avoid the whole thing. I thought about taking the family on a Christmas ski trip for next year, but at the same time, I want them to wake up in their own home and go to their own tree to see what Santa has brought. Plus, I can't imagine not being able to see my Nanny at Christmas time. So, I have decided that we will either do a Christmas get away or hold on until Feb. or maybe Spring break to go skiing. I really want to go skiing! LOL But, this will be for 2013/2014.
I also feel like I should probably avoid contact with my family right now, because when I feel like this, it usually ends up with an explosion on my part, and then a good 6 weeks of not speaking to each other, and then me having to profusely apologize for another few months. It isn't healthy - I am aware of this...but its so hard to break a cycle that has gone on for 28 years.
That's all...I'm done being a lunatic, for an hour or so...I am now going to lose myself in a book!
2 comments:
Awww, I know how you feel. I really do. Before I had my kids I had unhealthy expectations of a perfect holiday season. Somehow one of my cousins or something would always end up throwing things out of perfection and i would be so dissapointed. When Chris and I had kids we made a pack. We have our OWN holiday and when our family wants to see us and spend it with us, they are all welcome, to come to OUR HOUSE. You know what?! It has been WONDERFUL!!! After doing it for four years now (my pregnancy with Blair was our first xmas alone) it gets better every year. Stress free and amazing. I'm not saying you should do what we do, just that once I transferred my energy to my own little family Chris and I have made, it has become special again, and almost perfect. Yes, we miss some of the family, but not the drama that ensues because of all the personalities coming together. Better to love most of them from afar :).
Be happy :). You have a BEAUTIFUL family. Jr, Logan and Landry love their Sara very much, they are what matters most this holiday season anyhow. Just transfer your focus there and the rest will fall into place.
THanks Alexa, and actually after this year, I have every intention of doing what you guys are doing. Our new house will be built and I plan to start making our own holiday traditions in our HOME. I think it will help me tremendously because their wont be as much stress or pressure on me. Of course the rest of my family will always be welcome, but the holiday wont be ruined if they can't make it, because at least I will have my own little family. I have thought of doing this for a couple of years, but I just can't bare spending the holiday without my Nanny and unfortunately she can't travel on her own. But I realized, there is nothing stopping me from celebrating at our home, and then going to see her afterwards...plus, it will mean that she will have some time to rest and that will make for an even better visit!
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