Keepin' On

Life has been a little different for the past 3 weeks. If I was feeling old and tired before then, I am definately feeling old and tired now! I feel like I have settled into a rythym, and so have the kids. They understand that Mark will be here everyday. My biggest problem is the mornings. Mark literally cries from the time his mom leaves until we either load up to take Logan to school or until I lay him down for his nap. The only time he stops is when I feed him his breakfast, which takes a whole 10 minutes. So, yeah, basically 2 hours of him crying. He just want me to hold him and walk around with him. Once he wakes up from his nap and he eats, he is usually happy as a clam so the rest of our day is pretty wonderful...it's just the first 2 hours that are complete torture. It's really funny too, because crying and whining has to be pretty loud for it to get to me...or apparently it can last for long periods of time before it gets to me. I have had him a few times until 6:30 over the past 3 weeks, so I am really worried about that. Amber told me yesterday he usually takes a little nap around 4...which could be why he was soooo cranky for 3 hours!!! I tried to get him to go to sleep, but he only wanted to sleep in my arms - and I just can't do that. I feel bad for him, but I just can't do it. I have Logan and Landry and well as my own stuff to do around the house, I just can't hold him all day, and I dont have the luxery of letting him sleep in my arms. Anyway, it seems as though my days have been twice as long as they used to be, and really things are going great, it's just the first 2 hours that drain me...and then the last 2 - 3 when he stays until 6:30 (which will be every day starting June 1). One habit that I need to break, is that I have gotten in the habit of going to the guest bedroom and laying down to read...the minute JR walks through the door. Last night he got a little irritated with me about it. I told him I did it because by the time he gets home I am physically and mentally exhausted and I need some time to decompress. Sure enough, after I told him I would stay in the living room I was bombarded, "Mommy, I'm thirsty." "I have to pee." "Come wipe my butt." "I want some cheese." "I need a different game." "I'm hungry." I went to the bathroom and they followed. Seriously, this is all normal stuff. It happens everyday - ALL day, but I guess last night was just one of those nights, so I tried explaining to JR why I "disappear" when he walks through the door. I never get a minute of peace. Like I said, 98% of the time, it doesn't bother me at all...every since I got sick last week I have gotten in the habit of laying down to read when JR gets home...I know I need to stop. He says it isn't fair to him, he's right. He says I take him granted, he's wrong about that...although I should express my gratitude for him more often. I told him so last night, then I told him that he needs to understand that I feel taken for granted as well. I pick up the house every night before I go to sleep. I keep my house very clean, I keep the dishes done, the laundry - eh, I try to get to it once a week, etc., etc., I do this while taking care of 3 kids. Every day, he comes home, he leaves his boots in the entry way...which is fine, but damn...move them to the side!!! He takes his socks off in the living room and they end up on the ground. He uses his flip flops the rest of the day, which are of course just laid around. After eating he leaves his dishes on the table. So, I asked...do you think a magic fairy comes in and moves all your stuff? Isn't it funny that EVERY DAY you have to get your flip flops of the rack? Dont you wonder how they got there? Isn't it strange that there isn't a mountain of dirty socks next to the couch, yet you keep leaving them there. Do you think your dishes just walk themselves into to the kitchen and scrub themselves, then miraculously hop into the dishwasher??? Seriously, I know my job is to maintain the house and take care of our children. Geez, it would be nice for a thank you, or the house looks nice, or something. The things is, JR and I have talked about all of this before, and when we first moved into our home, he said he really wanted to take pride in it. It's the first home we have ever owned and we both agreed we needed to take good care of it. We both agreed to step things up. I was very specific in saying that it can't be all me, he has to help too. The truth of the matter is, JR is VERY set in his ways. When we were first living together, we fought about two things 1, MONEY and 2, cleaning. Those two battles went on for years. Now, we discuss money in a totally different way, and sometimes things get tight, but I have learned to chill out a little, and JR has learned to stress a little, so we are able to meet on more solid ground. The cleaning on the other hand...I think I just gave up. Every now and then there will still be an arguement about it, but not like before. I guess I have just accepted that he isn't going to clean - period. The problem is that I will go on for months and then I get pretty resentful and I end up yelling at him over something small - usually it's the damn socks in the living room - SERIOUSLY 6 and a half years of asking him not to leave his dirty socks in the living room. I honestly say something at least 3 times a week. I pick up the socks, and say - can you PLEASE put these in the laundry room??? "Oh, yeah, sorry." or "I was going to." I have done everything I know. I have asked, I have yelled, I have threatened, I have cried, I have done nothing (this is where I sit back and literally do nothing, I only wash my laundry, or my plate, I don't pick up after the kids or him...this always turns out to be a disaster. The house gets so messy that you cant see the floor. Trash piles up onto the counters, the dishes get stacked up on the counter because the sink is full. Then once its gotten really bad, JR will come home telling me that I have let the house get out of control! This leads to a huge fight followed by me having to clean the giant mess, which only makes me more mad! So, I have just tried to accept it, and keep the house clean for my own sanity...but that doesn't mean that it doesn't still bother me - it does. It makes me feel really taken advantage of, and that's the part that bothers me the most. Anyway, that's enough babbling about that. Right now I am just going to keep on, keepin' on. So, until next time!