decisions made

Well, it's been about a week and a half long discussion, but JR and I have decided that we are going to wait another few years before having another baby discussion. I wish that he could understand that the entire conversation is really hard for me. Let me give you a little back story....My pregnancy with Landry was difficult...not exactly in the physical sense, although it was much harder than my pregnancy with Logan. The emotional aspects of the pregnancy were extremely hard on me. I was very clear on the fact that I did NOT want to go through it all again. I know I may sound like a horrible person for saying these things...but they are the truth. I love my kids more than anything, but I am just not certain I want another one. To tell you the truth, if I got pregnant tomorrow...I would be perfectly fine with it. But sitting back and planning it and thinking about all the things you go through scares the hell out of me. Maybe the hormones were worse because I was having a girl, or maybe it was worse because it was the second time around...I don't know...all I know is that the whole "pregnancy amnesia" has not happened yet, because I still vividly remember some of those extra special irrational days. I still remember trying to rip out my IV because I had a panic attack before going in for my c-section. I still remember throwing a glass against the wall...aiming straight for JR's head and having to then sweep up all the glass...I don't remember what had me so pissed, but I do remember being out of control.
Anyway, when JR brings up having another baby, I think of all these things, I think about how hard I have worked to get my body back into some sort of shape, I think about the goals that I have, the dreams and the career that I want. My career goals have been put on hold due to the fact that I am a stay at home mom. Don't get me wrong...this is a personal choice. Financially, it makes since for me to stay at home - but also...I want to be at home with my babies. They are going to grow up soon enough, and I want to be with them for as long as possible. Logan will be starting pre-k at the end of August, we are still debating on how many days a week he should go...I wanted him to go 3 days, unfortunately the school we have chosen only does 2 days a week or 4 days a week...so that makes the decision a little harder. I was thinking about letting him go 2 days until the Christmas break and then moving it up to 4 days for the second half of the year, but I don't know if they allow that, so I have to look into it more. I have no idea what Landry and I will do during the day...It's been 19 months since I have only had 1 baby to take care of...It is going to be weird that's for sure.
I am trying to talk JR into putting Landry into a school a year earlier than what he really wants. Landry wont start kindergarten until 2015, and therefore according to JR, she shouldn't start pre-k until 2014. But I was hoping she could start pre-k when Logan starts first grade (2013). The thing is, you have to be 5 on or before Sept. 1 of that year to start school. Landry's birthday is October 15, which will make her one of the oldest kids in her class. I think it would be good to start her at 2 days a week for an entire year, and then move her up to 4 days, and then she can start Kindergarten. I can't believe Logan will be in 3rd grade when Landry start Kinder....it's so odd to me - they just seem closer in age, but whatever its just the way the their birth dates fall. My best friend Dana is only 4 months younger than I am, but because of the days we were born I graduated a year before she did!
My hope in putting Landry in school a year early is actually pretty selfish...I am hoping that while both kids are in school, I can attend classes to get my license so that I can get my own career on track. I would really like to finish school and have a job lined up by the time Landry starts kinder. ...
This is another reason for not wanting another baby...as it is right now...I still have 2 more years before I can even go back to school. It will take up to 18 months to get my license...therefore, I have 3.5 years before I can even START my career. If I have another baby...we are looking at about 6 years before I can START.
Another main concern is the financial "burdens." We have paid off a LOT of debt...but we still have the car, and the house, and student loans. We live a pretty comfortable life - but I told JR that I don't want to have another child until we can build up Logan and Landry's college funds a little more...plus, our own savings account, AND I want him to start a 401K with his company, so that we have something building up that we can't touch. I really hate to rely on us living on our "social security" after retirement, considering the possibility that it may not be around. But I do think its important for us to have a retirement account. I would really like to have the kids college paid for by the time they start college or at least the majority of it - so they dont have to worry about student loans. There is nothing wrong with students loans...its just that they are a bitch to pay, and I would like for them to not have to do it! Now, if they go on to get a masters or become doctors or lawyers...well - they are on their own...I am just talking about their undergraduate studies!
The thing is I am 50% sure that I want another baby. If I think about the end result and how much I would love to have another child, I am 100% on board. When I think about the doctor's visits, the nausea, the nine months of pregnancy, the hormones, the delivery - I get really freaked out and start having LOTS of anxiety, which drops me down to about 20% .I just dont know how to do it and still make sure that everyone gets what they want. Soooooo - I asked JR not to bring it up to me again, unless he had really thought it through and was prepared to make a baby right that instant! He said we will discuss it again in about 3 years! LOL Of course at that time I plan to be finishing school and then I am going to work for AT LEAST a YEAR before I get pregnant...so it looks like it may be more lie 5-6 years before we start trying for another baby.
As you can see...I have gone back and forth and back and forth and back again on this whole issue.