Confusion...

There is so much going on right now in my little world that I honestly have no idea what to even say.
JR and I are back in the decision making process of having another baby. We both want another baby but we can't seem to agree on when we should have the baby. I have my own ambitions in life and while I love being a wife and mother...I would also like to eventually go to school and start my own career.
Not helping the situation, my kids have been absolute terrors for the past two days...and although, it is not even 11:00 - I am considering this to be say 2....Landry hasn't stopped throwing tantrums, Logan is just irritating her on purpose...It is days like yesterday and today, that I just wish I was at work and someone else was dealing with this. I am seriously at my end. Yesterday and today have been so freaking terrible, words can not even begin to describe it. On the other end of this spectrum are the days where my kids just want to play, and be loved. The days they are so sweet and polite, and well mannered, that I think how blessed I am to get to see it all. How amazing it is to be a stay at home mom. LIke anything else in life, there are ups and downs...and right now, we are just in a down period....ughhhh!
As far as my sister goes...I am not really sure what is going on...I have tried to just distance myself from it, but apparently my dad told Randi that she wanted so badly to move out and live on her own, so she should do it...prove to him and my mom that she could do it on her own....Randi took that as she was being kicked out. Now she is telling people my parents kicked her out and won't let her see the kids...OOPS! - I should mention that all of this came because CPS was called, and they interviewed Isabella and Isaiah last Wednesday....Randi didn't even find out until Friday because she didn't bother to go home. It was Luis' weekend with the kids, and I guess he and my parents sat down together....Randi hasn't seen her kids in over a week, but she has talked to them on the phone.
Last Wednesday when my parents were talking about filing a missing persons report (which they didn't do) I tried to call Randi over and over again...I don't know why, I guess I was just hoping she would answer and I could tell her to go home and see her kids...she never answered, or called back. On Friday, I get a text from her saying, "Hey why did you call me the other day?" I chose not to respond to her. I kind of figured she was just finding out about how badly the situation had gotten and at that point I had made the decision that I didn't really want to be too involved in it...I needed to detach from the situation for a number of reasons...my sanity being at the top of the list. Yesterday evening (6:16pm) I got a text from her saying, "hey u sent me a msg on why i called u. ur my sister why wouldn't I call? I guess ur with mom on her bull shit?" So I told JR she was either so drunk or high, or both, that she doesn't remember texting me and she is so stupid, she can't even figure out that she sent me the message...I have not responded to her at all. At 8:26pm she sent another one saying, " u txt me asking if I called. ur my sister why wldn't I? I have no place to stay and haven't eaten in days." At this point I broke down...I am still crying now - because I dont know what to do or how to help. She can't stay with me...number one - she can't be around my kids, she isn't sober, and I have no idea what her mental state is right now. #2, the whole point is for her to take responsibility and admit that she needs help, not only drug and alcohol rehab, but also therapy. She needs to see that she's wrong and ask for help. No matter how many times...and there have been many...I have talked badly about her, or said mean things about her, or anything else I have done against her...she is my sister, and I love her. It scares me to death and breaks my heart to think that she is sleeping in her car and hasn't eaten. I cried and cried and cried and hell I am still crying now. I thought maybe I could meet up with her and buy her some food, but I knew if I did she would ask to stay with me and I am not strong enough to tell her no face to face. I know she is manipulating me...but on that slight chance that she really is hungry, how can I just turn my back and do nothing? I kept calling my dad for advice...my mom is out of town right now, so I needed someone to tell me what to do. He wasn't answering, so in the mean time I talked to JR, and my other best friend, Dana. While they both made great points logically, it still didn't stop the hurt I was feeling. The feeling of wanting to help but not knowing how had intensified...How do I not help my own sister who needs a place to stay and something to eat? But will helping her with a bed and food for one night really help, or will it hurt her...isn't that just enabling her? Doesn't she NEED to hit rock bottom before she can see that she needs help. I guess I just pictured her hitting rock bottom in a different way, I didn't think I would have to worry about where she was, if she had food, or shelter. This is just too hard, and far too painful. I can't handle it. At 9:23pm she sent another message saying, "Thanks I got your back. wtfe." Again, the tears came...My dad finally called back to say that she had called him, he let her talk to the kids and then they got into it. She thinks that my parents are the ones that called CPS (which they didn't), she can't see that it doesn't even matter who called...the importance is that someone did, and she needs to do what she has to to make it right. At this moment, I dont think that she can see any of that, all she sees is that we are betraying her, taking her kids away from her. I dont know what is going on in her brain...but I am pretty sure it is fried. My dad basically just said that he didn't know what to say. He said that he did not kick her out of the house, he just said that there were rules, and she could either follow them or not live there...that kept saying how she could do it on her own, so why not do it...he said she had talked to the kids and I asked what she was telling them as to why she hasn't seen them in over a week, she told them that Nanny and Papaw kicked her out and wouldn't let her come home. GREAT! NICE! Lay that on an 8 and 5 year old! I took some tylenol PM last night at 11:20 because I knew I wasn't going to be able to sleep. I was sick to my stomach and I couldn't stop crying...I couldn't stop the hurt, or the confusion...I still feel that way...I know that I can't help her the way she is looking to be helped, but I also can't go on letting her feel as though I dont love her, that I completely turned my back on her...I have been in that position before with my family and it is the loneliest, scariest place to be....having no one to turn to, not knowing if anyone cares whether your dead or alive...I personally just couldn't go on having her feel that way. So, at 10:19 this mornign I sent her a text saying, " I love you. I am sorry this is all happening, but you have to make things right and I can't help you do that. Is has to be you. Don't ever doubt that I love you, I know this is really hard for you...it is for all of us. I was up all night without a clue of what to do. So, I prayed...it's all I can do right now. You need to talk to mom and dad and get this worked out. Have you really not eaten? I thought you got paid on Friday? If you want to meet up with me I will buy you some lunch. That is all I can offer you right now, but please know that I love you and I am hurting for you. I know that right now it feels like the world is against you, and no one cares how you feel...but trust me when I say, we all care - we all love you, and sometimes the only way we can help someone we love so much is to step away and let them decide to help themselves. I can't say it enough, but I love you."
I know that at this point she isn't ready to reason or to hear another side of a story...at this point she has been wronged and we are all evil people trying to tear her away from her kids...BUT - I feel better, at least no matter what I told her I loved her. And I really, really do....no matter how angry I am with her, or how much I dont understand the choices she has made, or how much I disagree with her...she is my older sister...the girl I once looked up to. The girl I followed around because I wanted to be just like her. The girl I idolized as a child. She was so beautiful, and funny, and outgoing, and popular...there was a time I was so jealous of her - a time I thought she held the world in the palm of her hand, a time that I believed she could do anything. I am so broken hearted...I just want her to get better...I would like to meet a sober Randi - I have said before, i have no idea what she is like sober...she will be 30 in August, and she started drinking and doing drugs (pot) at 14...so I honestly can't remember a sober Randi Beth.
Thank you for reading all this...I haven't been posting because it's been really hard to deal with...It has been and will continue to be very emotional, but please, pray for my sister and my family...IF you aren't a praying person, just think good thoughts...send some hopes and wishes her way. She needs them right now. Writing this has been difficult, in a way it hurts more to get it out there...sometimes it seems easier to just bottle it up and avoid it, and in another way it feels good to just get it out...I am a habitual avoider...and it never helps - getting it out is always the best way to go...but it hurts so much. Anyway, thank you again...we are on a very long journey, and I fear it will not be over anytime soon. I will try to keep you updated as much as possible, but please continue to pray or send good thoughts.