Anger Management

I am finding myself increasingly angry all the time. I take it out on the two people I love the most in the world and it just isn't fair. I seem to be constantly yelling, and I have so much anger built up that I just want to hit something...I mean literally punch the freakin wall. A little bit of backstory for those who haven't followed:
A little over 3 months ago I got engaged...and I couldn't be happier. Things were going along as they should be, of course we had bumps, but everything going in the right direction. In all the excitement I of course started to plan the wedding. In July, we went to visit my parents and upon telling my mother the plans, she quickly made it clear that she hated the plans we had made and that she would not be paying for anything other than a small family gathering, ceremony only, no reception, no food, no dance, no etc. So in order for JR and I to have the wedding that we want to have, we realized we would be paying for it ourselves. This might not be such a big problem except for the fact that we have pretty much always lived paycheck to paycheck. Not too much money left over for savings....and now that we have picked up new bills and a 300$ increase in the electric bill, the paychecks dont seem to be reaching the next paycheck. So in order to actually be able to save up money, I decided to get a second job....which is basically where all the anger is coming from.
I have started a job with the houston chronicle, basically a lame as paper route! I had a few options to choose from, but this one seemed to have the most perks with the least amount of downside. On the upside, I have an extra income so that I can save up for the wedding. I dont have to pay for child care due to the hours. On the downside, the hours are from 1:00AM until about 6:00AM, except on Sunday when I dont get home until 7:30 or 8:00. You get charged for every complaint you get, including those that are weather related, such as getting a wet paper! I am completely exhausted, I have had to change everyones schedule, and I always feel like shit. As I continue to do this job, I find a new downside almost daily!!!
It has been suggested to just get a normal 9-5 job. Obviously we put a lot of thought into our decision, and the idea of a 9-5 is great in theory. This is why it wont work...the point of the second job is to save money, now while have a full time job may have benefits such as insurance and things of this nature, the biggest problem is that I would have to put Logan in daycare. This means that I would have to find a job that would pay a substantial amount, in order to pay for the childcare and still have enough to save. It was also suggested that I could work at a daycare, that way Logan would be with me, I would get a discount on the daycare cost, and still be making money...great idea!!! Why that wont work, there are a number of reasons, but the top one is that I have worked at a daycare before, and although I was younger and didn't have a child of my own yet...it wan't that long ago, and I honest to God could not handle it! It would be one thing to watch another child or two here at the house with Logan, but I know for a fact that I can NOT work at a daycare and stay somewhat sane!
Because of this new job, I have found myself angry and resentful to just about everything and everyone around me. I sleep as much as I can during the day and then the rest of the day I live off of Red Bull and 5hour energy drinks. I usually take a nap during the day after JR gets home...actually it usually starts about an hour before he gets home and goes on for an hour after he gets home...the trick is getting Logan to nap with me and not wake up until after JR gets home. I usually get to work with job #1 after my nap and then allow myself to take an hour break before I leave at 1:00 for job #2. I get home somewhere between 5:30 and 6:15 on average and go to bed. We have changed Logans sleeping pattern so that he stays up until 12:30, therefore, on a good day, he sleeps until 11:00, but mostly about 10:30. Then I get up and play and read to him and go back to job #1. Then around 3:30/ 4:00 we take our nap and it all starts over...
This was going great for the first 4 days, then complete exaustion set in. I cant even seem to keep my eyes open. All I want to do is sleep, and I am incredibly cranky. In the last couple of days anger has taken over. I find myself yelling at Logan, yelling at JR, and then feeling completely guilty about it and then angry with myself for my inexcusable behavior. With all that emotion comes the incredible unstableness of the fear of being such a horrible mother and the sadness of how horrible I feel all the time. I cried all the way to work last night for no other reason except for the fact that I was so angry and had no one to yell at, and so disgusted with myself for the way I had acted all day long not only to JR but to Logan. I yelled at him for stupid stuff, I was mad because I wasn't getting enough work done for job #1. I was mad because my house is a wreck, I asked JR almost two weeks ago to help clean up, I thought that he see that I dont have a lot of time or energy to do the cleaning and he would step up and help out. I was WRONG! And that pisses me off. Back to asking him to clean... Tuesday I tell him I am geting frustrated with the house...Thursday (nothing has been done) I get upset, I raise my voice, and let him know he needs to clean when he gets home. Friday, he goes to his nephew's birthday party.Sunday...still hasn't done ANYTHING, I say....okay, I have gone from frustrated to upset-to pissed. I have tried to be patient, I have learned that JR doesn't like to be forced to do anything, I have learned that if I ask and just wait patiently, he will usually do it on his own time. So Sunday, he is now sick and cant possibly clean while sick! The following Tuesday is now here, and finally I say, "You dont have to clean the whole house, just please get something done. It has been a week since I asked you to help out and you haven't done a damn thing" Then as horrible as it sounds I give the ultimatum...."Either show me some sort of progress, I will take Logan and we will go somewhere and not come home until its clean" Now I wasn't threatening to Leave him as in break up, just go away until he gets it clean. So that night he does the dishes and goes to bed....WOW! He says he will do the rest the next day....Today is now Friday, and not one damn thing has been done, other than the dishes he did on Tuesday, which have been quickly replaced by a new load of dishes!
See people on the outside think that I am soooooo hot tempered and I just so mean Blah Blah Blah GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! THe truth is that I feel like I put up with a lot of fucking bull shit and I do my best to deal with it but seriously.....a week and a half of asking someone to help out and all they do is some dishes. I am seriously ready to scream, and as I sit here typing I am crying...why???? Because I am going fucking crazy!
I find myself wishing all day long that Logan would just sleep all day so that I can get other things acoomplished...WTF! What kind of mother am I? I cant believe I am even admitting this. I resent everything right now...I resent JR for needing to take naps on the weekends, because he is just so tired!
I resent JR for not helping out
I resent JR for not being more understanding
I resent JR for not being the one to get a second job
I resent my parents for not paying for my wedding
I resent my sister for being a fucking retard
I resent my sister for having so much drama in her life that my parents are too preoccupied with her to give me just a little bit of time (I know its selfish...I DONT EFFIN CARE)
I resent Logan for being so much work
I am angry at myself for not being better
I am angry at myself for not being more patient
I am angry at myself for not being more understanding
I am angry at the world for not being more fair
I am angry
I am angry
I am angry

Now to allow myself to calm down a little
I am so lucky to have a little boy who is beautiful, healthy, and for the most part very easy
I am so lucky to have JR, because I dont think I could be a single mom
I am so lucky to be so incredibly loved by JR even when I am being a complete bitch
I am so lucky to have friends and family
I am lucky to be alive

My mantra....for today at least....I will get through this, I will get through this, I will get through this!