All bad

My grandfather is dying.
He will not leave the hospital. It is very bad. Apparently 5 days ago my mom, aunt, and ucle were told by the doctor that he was not going to get any better and that his kidneys were beginning to fail which would mean the start of dialysis. They were told to make a decision on the course of action they wanted to take. Of course, my grandfather has a living will that gives all decisions on his behalf to my grandmother in the event that he is not capable of making them himself. So my mom and her siblings discussed what they were told and decided that it wasn;t fair to keep doing this to my grandfather, and that he wouldn't want to be like this. I think the hardest part for them is the fact that he wakes up and although he cant talk, he can write on a clipboard. He isn't always lucid, but ou can talk to him and ask questions and he can nod yes or no. 3 days ago, the doctors says that the time has come to make the decision (this time he is telling my grandmother) he explains that he isn't getting any better and that once the dialysis starts he will basically have machines doing all the work for him. Dialysis to keep the kidneys working, the pace maker to keep his heart working, the chest tube is still there to keep the lung inflated, they have to come in and drain the tube thing oterwise his lungs will fill up with fluid and he will drown. The ventilatior to keep him breathing....his had a trachaeotomy which has to be suctioned every couple of hours. Today marks the 35 (5 weeks) day he has been on his back. He now has bed sores that are quite large and growing. I am so incredibly sad. I dont know what to do, and because I have been getting most of my information from my grandmother, I feel completely snowed. I feel like I am just learning the severity of it although I think I always knew but wanted to deny it. Anyway, so 3 days ago, my grandmother, my mom and the siblings go into a private room to discuss the course of action...my mom being my mom, speaks first and says she thinks they should turn off the ventilator and let nature take its course, that she doesn't think papa would want to live like this....My uncle Jim says he agrees but it was up to my grandmother, and my aunt Angela (a doctor) says that the decision is my grandmothers and she will support her no matter what.... My mom was furious, they all talked about it and when it came time to say something, they just let her say what they all thought and then didn't back her up! My grandmother isn't ready to let go yet, and she still has it in her head that he will turn a corner and be able to come home. Finally, after 32 hours of not waking up, my grandmother admits that the time has come to take him off the machines. They all go up to the hospital, and the doctor says hello to my grandfather. He then tells my family that it is unethical to turn off the machines because my grandfather indicated on 3 occassions that he wanted to keep fighting. So my aunt Angela goes to him and asks, "Dad do you want to keep going, or do you want us to leave you alone." He responds by nodding his head yes, and the doctor says that as long as he can comprehend questions he is still in charge of his own life...BUT what was he nodding yes to? going on or leaving him alone????? So, the doctor says he is much more lucid and responsive and therefore will not turn the machines off. My grandmother was so relieved and to be honest, when the time comes to make the decision again, she wont do it. My grandfather does have a DNR so in the event that his heart stops, that will be the end. This is so confusing to me because that is why he got the pacemaker....his heart kept stopping due to so many arythmias...so how did they bring him back? Plus 2 days after he went in to the hospital they had to do CPR because his heart stopped....my said it was because the doctor believed it was completely reversible, but I thought that a DNR meant NO MATTER WHAT- reversible or irreversible - they can not bring you back....Anyway...I am sad...I am mad for the fact that I am going to lose him and that my family was ready to turn off the machines without even telling all of us. I am mad at myself for not going to see him more - and for not being strong enough to go now, I just dont want to see him like that, I wont be able to handle it. My grandmother is losing so much weight, and with all the people in the house with her I am pissed that they aren't watching her more closely. They should be making sure that she is eating and when I said something to her, her response was..."It's hard to eat when your never hungry." If it were me, I would be shoving food down her throat 3 times a day. Ughhhhh. I seriously CAN NOT lose my grandmother....I just can't do it.

The good stuff!

Hmmmm...well Saturday I was able to talk JR in to going to register for baby items...I will try to put up a link on here to my registries....We got to Target and Babies R Us, but the bedding and room decor we want is only available online at JC Penneys so we registered for that online. We are re-using a lot of what we already have, but there are still things we need and want! Any way...we were brave enough to do it all in one day! Hahaha...it did take a long time and we were pretty tired by the end of it, but it was no where near what we went through when we registered for Logan!
On Sunday, I slept in again, then I went to the store, came home and CLEANED my butt off! I still have a few more things to do around the house (laundry, vacuum my bedroom, etc.) but it is all minor stuff. I made a homemade milky way cake---no cake batter, I did it all from sratch! It turned out OKAY! I think I am more impressed with the fact that I did it than how it turned out. I made the cake for my friend Nikki -HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!! She, her husband, Travis, and new little baby, Aiden cam over for dinner. It was pretty good, I probably should have made more broccoli but oh well, I am not used to cooking for four, so I had an enormous amount of rice and chicken and cheese potatoes and not enough broccoli! Ha! But everyone enjoyed it and then we each had a piece of cake. I was glad for having them over...it gave me the perfect excuse for cleaning my house, which I have been wanting to do for days, but am just too lazy to actually do it. I am still waiting for the cleaner clapper to be invented...you know- where you clap your hands and things magically get cleaned! Hahaha! I gave JR a bunch of little but important tasks to do, which was such a big help. He did most of them, although I did catch him laying down quite a few times at which I POLITELY explained that I was doing all the big stuff and cooking a meal and I would hugely appreciate it if he would help with some of the smaller things and not make me have to ask more than twice!!!! (Asking only once is just not going to happen!) Now...after all the cleaning I did yesterday I will say that JR did the dishes without me asking, and he put away the left overs!!!!He didn't clean the stove...but hey, I will take what I can get! It is a HUGE help that he did the dishes and I appreciate it soooooooo much.....My feet were thanking him!
My dogs apparently dont like it when we clean....I woke up this morning to find two piles of poo and urine in different places of the kitchen floor......This is why they spend the majority of their time OUTSIDE. They are impossible. In fact, Dexter likes to mark his territory so much, that I actually have to use the swiffer on a daily basis around the trash can, because he urinates on it as soon as he comes through the door....I finally bought some puppy pads and I strategically placed one on the side of the trash can that he marks, so we will see if that works....The thing that grosses me out though, is I wonder where else he marks??? You know?
Anyway, that was my weekend in a nutshell!

week 25

I have less than 15 weeks to go....GEEZ! That seems so long from now - but its a good thing because I haven't even started to get stuff for the baby. I keep saying, we will get stuff once we know where we will be living....but that situation is proving to take a lot longer than expected, so now I am thinking that I need to start doing the baby stuff and just move it with us when we go! Ughhhh!
We went to the dog track last night, I had a very good time. I won on 3 races and was so excited!!!! It wasn't much and not enough to cover what JR lost, but we walked away happy and all had a good time. Scott and Ashley came with us and they seemed to have a great time too. They didn't gamble, but they did enjoy the $0.50 hot dogs and beer! Logan ate his first hot dog (big boy style) Usually we cut it up for him and he only ends up eating the weenie part...but this time he ate the whole thing bun and all without it being cut into bite size pieces. I am amazed at the fact that he is now a little boy and no longer my little baby, and although I miss it sometimes, I quickly remind myself that I will soon have another little one. I vow to enjoy every second that this little girl is a baby....I enjoyed everything with Logan, but I now realize how quickly it all goes by.
I still have to go to the grocery store...I am doing that in a few minutes! Right after I get dressed.

Update

Today marks the 30th day that my grandfather has been in the hospital. Ughhh! He is still in the ICU with no word on when he will be moved to the floor, nor how long he will stay there before being moved to a rehab facility of IF that is even possible. On Tuesday, He had a permanent pace maker put in, he was taken back to ICU where things seemed to be going okay, until they realized his oxygen level was low and declining - luckily they were paying attention, and took him for a CT scan which is where they realized they must have punctured his lung during the procedure. They put in a chest tube and inflated the lung again! Ughhhh! I think I said a long time ago that my biggest fear about him going into the hospital for surgery was that it reminded me of a old car...once one thing goes wrong, ten other things go wrong, and you never seem to get back what you took in. That is still how I feel. Things keep going wrong. We get one thing fixed and something else goes wrong.
We are going to the dog track tonight with some friends...I am pretty excited about it. It isn't really that big of a deal, but its nice to get out of the house! I have so much to do around here. I started some laundry and I seriously need to hit the grocery store, but I am feeling soooooooooo lazy...I am still in pajamas and I dont want to move!!!! I need some sort of encouragement!

Finally back Home!

Well this last week has been ridiculous!!! First my family ended up not coming...this was a good thing. JR and I were able to do some of the things we wanted. On the fourth, we went to hang out with friends and Logan got to go out on the boat with us to watch the fire works over Clear Lake....It was a great time, and he was awesome. On Sunday we went to the Houston zoo....It was SO incredibly HOT....we ended up calling it quits before we got around to everything...Logan learned about Nemo! We were so happy to be back home in the AC until about 10:30 that night when we realized that after turning it down to 70 the thermostat still read 85 degrees. OUR AC WENT OUT! Grrrrr.....we had all the fans blasting and even a plug in fan going, but we were all still miserable. None of us got any sleep, so at 5:30 in the morning while JR was getting ready for work, he insisted that I pack a bag and go stay at his moms house in Galveston. When we left the house at 6 a.m. it was 89 degrees. After noon on Monday, I went to my grandparents house to hang out with my mom and family (uncle, aunts, and cousins). We ended up staying the night there....JR had stopped by the house to pick up some over night things and said the house was about 120 degrees! AWESOME----There was also a note on our front door that said ----"You are killing your dogs, put them inside" Hahahaha.....I laughed profusely. I told JR he should have left the note up and replied to it saying - AC is out. 120 degrees inside. Which is more humane? I have heard from several people this past week and a half telling me how aweful it is that I put my dogs outside in the heat. I love my dogs, but, well - they are dogs! Oddly enough dogs have been living OUTSIDE for longer than they have lived inside, and they are still around! Ha. They have food, they have water, and other than about a 20 minute period in the day they have shade. I have always had outside dogs. And while I do feel that they are perfectly safe outside...provided that they have food and water, I still splash them with water, put ice in their water bowls, leave them inside (sometimes until 1 or 2 in the afternoon). They come inside at night to sleep. I am not cruel to my dogs. Come take a look at their belly! Oh, and just in case anyone was wondering - my vet said that they are perfectly healthy!!!! Ha! Anyway, after seeing the note, we didn't feel comfortable leaving them there over night - I could just imagine someone steeling them, which is still scaring me, so we loaded them up and took them to JR's moms house. On Tuesday, they replaced the entire AC unit but didn't finish up until around 6 so JR and Logan came home around 9:30 and I got home around 10:30. The AC is working great! YAY! It was nice to sleep in my own bed, although my grandmothers is super comfy. I seriously feel like I have been away from home for a whole week!

OOPS!

We went to visit Nikki and Travis last night...they are doing very well....but tired. Nikki looked amazing! I couldn't get over how beautiful she looked. Aiden is a very handsome little baby. He has so much of the two of them. He has Nikki's hands and Travis' feet! He was so incredibly tiny and has the bluest eyes. He is perfect! I am an idiot and didn't take a single picture!

It has been in the plans for well over a month now that we would be going to Wimberley for the 4th of July. I have been pretty excited about it, but as the time got closer, I was actually starting to dread the trip for many reasons. Since my grandfather has been sick everything has been put on hold. I talked to my mom last weekend and she said she wasn't sure what the plan was. Then she ended up coming on Sunday and has been here all week. I just got a text from my little sister yesterday asking if I was still going to Wimberley, so I assumed that was still the plan, although JR and I were contemplating whether we would still go. Then, I got a call at 10:30 from my older sister saying that they were packing up there things and were coming down here, would I mind if they stayed with me??? UMMMMM....how do you answer that? So, now instead of spending the day relaxing (as planned) I will be cleaning my house, doing laundry, going to the store for groceries to feed her and her kids. I understand that it isn't her fault - I mean it wasn't her idea to come down, and maybe I am being incredibly selfish, but I am not looking forward to this! So much for enjoying a family weekend, with no community service...we were going to go to Moody Gardens, and the Houston zoo! Looks like those trips are now cancelled...who knows when we will have another opportunity to do it! Iam so frustrated....and the sad thing is....this is completely TYPICAL behavior. Other than not wanted to spend the money, my sister is the main reason for me not wanting to go home this weekend, and now I get to be trapped in my own home with her. YAY! I am seriously thinking about telling her that my house is an alcohol free zone! But, then she would probably leave her kids with me and leave to go drink! I just dont have the patience for her.

On another note...I found out that the day after my grandfather was moved out of ICU, he was put right back in. This means that 2 out of the 22 days he has been in the hospital have NOT been in the ICU. He is again taking a turn for the worse, and it seems to me that his organs are shutting down- but I am not a doctor. His kidneys are no longer functioning properly, he was given a temporary pace maker two days ago, his lungs are still having to be drained from fluid and have still not recovered from pneumonia, he has cancer in his colon and liver. He spends every day on his back, unable to move, unable to talk (although he has a clipboard in order to write things down.) HE goes about 2-3 hours on the ventilator and about an hour breathing on his own, and is only lucid about a quarter of the time...every one says we have a long road to recovery ahead of us, but I am beginning to wonder is recovery is even an option. IF he recovers from this he will go to a rehabilitation center until he is strong enough to get around on his own---we are talking MONTHS here, and then we still have the cancer to deal with. I am very sad, trying to stay positive, but starting to realize that he may not ever leave the hospital. Everything that makes up my grandfather---his stubbornness, his promptness, his drive - all of it seems to be gone - he just isn't my Papa anymore.

Welcome Baby Ward

Nikki and Travis had their little boy sometime either late last night or this morning. His name is Aiden Gregory Ward. He weighed 7 lbs. 12 oz. and is 20 inches long. Congratulations to the new parents! Here is the first picture they sent, JR and I are hoping to go visit them tonight so I can get more pictures.