Successful Evening--

So last night was a pretty successful evening - no I didn't get anything actually accomplished. My house didn't get clean, no problems were resolved, everything I was dealing with yesterday is still here today - BUT - I was able to have an easy going evening. I watched the bachelorette, then the news, followed by nightline. Then it was bed time. I put on a baby einstein movie for Logan and laid with him for a few minutes. I gave him a kiss goodnight and went and got in bed with JR. We started talking and he actually stayed awake for about half an hour listening to me vent about what was going on. It was so nice because he was REALLY listening! I told him to try to sleep a little lighter so that we would notice if Logan tried to get in bed with us. I woke up at 3:45 to go to the bathroom, I went in to check on Logan who was still peacefully sleeping in his bed. I got up at 7:30, went to bathroom, checked on Logan - still asleep. Then I woke up again at 9....scared to death because we haven't slept until 9 in several days. My fear grabbed hold of me, I ran to his room and couldn't see him - I thought, Oh God! He got out the front door...I took a few steps forward and he was side ways in the bed sleeping peacefully. I put the covers on him and went to the bathroom. I ate breakfast and started playing on the computer. At 10:00 he still wasn't up, and then came the fear that maybe had stopped breathing, so I went to check on him, and he was breathing just fine, and still asleep. I came back to the computer and started to think about why I all of a sudden consumed by so much fear that something was going to happen to Logan. I have decided that it MUST be some side effect of pregnancy. (more on this in a sec)
So the success was that I had a peaceful evening, I got to really talk to my husband, which didn't resolve anything, but made me feel better, and I got a good nights sleep (other than the peeing) and Logan slept in his bed all night long! YAY!

Now back to the fear thing...so this is very strange to me. When I was pregnant with Logan, I was scared that I would lose him. I thought every little thing meant that something bad was going to happen. I didn't feel his first kick until I was 22 weeks pregnant....weeks 18 until that time were aweful....I thought every day, that I had lost the baby. At week 20 I had an ultrasound and he was moving around in there, but I couldn't feel it. Finally, by week 22 I felt him for the first time....I would go through an all out panic if I went more than 2 hours without feeling him. I finally started to relax around week 38...Ha. Dont get me wrong...I loved every minute of being pregers with him, but I didn't have anyone to talk to about being pregnant...Not any friends that had a baby, I wasn't speaking to my mom or sister, so every little thing like round ligament pain or something small I thought was the beginning of a miscarriage. I guess you could say I was consumed with fear!
This time around I haven' been too concerned with little things...there was a point early in the pregnancy that I thought something might be wrong, but I saw my doctor and everything was fine. This pregnancy hasn't been all roses, between the morning sickness, weight gain, and other side effects that I wont bore you with....lets just say this time around has been DIFFERENT! While I loved everything about being pregnant with Logan, I haven't exactly loved everything about this pregnancy. It isn't that I dont absolutely love this baby girl, but I dont fear losing her, although I confess that I still get nervous when I haven't noticed fetal activity in an hour or two...I just dont take it to the level that I did when I was pregnant with Logan. SO why the intense fear that something will happen to Logan...shouldn't I be nervous or scared about my pregnancy with my daughter???
I find this very strange...much like I am finding many of my other symptoms and side effects strange. Intense fear - is a very strange thing!