Day 2,

It's 10:30, and so far things are going relatively well. Mark arrived at 7 this morning. Maybe it was all the coffee yesterday...I really was ready to go to bed at about 8, but - I have a family to look after, so I made some asparagus and JR grilled some sirloin steaks, I also heated up the baked sweet potatoes I had made the night before for the kids. LOGAN LOVES SWEET potatoes! anyway, I didn't actually fall asleep until midnight, so this morning I hit the snooze button a few too many times and woke up to the knocking on my door! Whew! at least I woke up! LOL (I slept in the guest room, so it's close to the front door...I think I had an idea that waking up would be difficult! LOL) In the 3.5 hours that Mark has been here, he has cried for only about an hour. I feel bad, but I talked to Amber yesterday when she picked him up and I was right...the teachers at the daycare held him ALL DAY. I think this says a lot. Not only about him wanting to be held, but also the lack of sleep. Now, I look back on when I had Logan...and to be honest I held him all the time. Once he started crawling I stopped holding him so much, and wouldn't you know it, we was walking at 9 months! Logan was content to sleep (He gets that from me) He would sleep a lot. Mark is more the type that he doesn't want to be left out, so he isn't prone to fall asleep in your arms. He did take a a quick nap this morning, but I am trying to keep him awake until noon, then I want him to really take a nap (a real one). I moved his pack n play to the guest room, so I am hoping that will keep him down a little longer. I also think about after I had Landry. Unfortunately I didn't have the luxury of holding her all day every day. I had to deal with Logan and with Landry so they had to learn to be a little patient. I think Mark is learning this now. Landry is learning this a little more as well. There are some major jealousy issues going on. When I do hold Mark, she wants me to hold her too. She seems to be okay, she will play with a toy or with Logan, then look up and get upset by Mark's presence. Once she figures out that I am just talking to him, that I am not going to pick him up...she's okay. I read Mark a book after feeding him his cereal and yogurt and Landry made a point to sit in my lap and turn the pages...it's been a while since she has done that. I think I was so adamant about reading to the kids EVERY day, TWICE a day, that now they kind of just ignore me when I read to them, so I am lucky if I get to finish a book. But today, she seemed mesmerized by a book I have read a thousand times. I think I have said before that Landry is a LIAR!!! LOL Not reallly, she is just a typical sibling...she has gotten in the habit of fake crying and saying that Logan has done something to her in an effort to get my attention. I know what she's doing, I did it myself, so I always make a point to tell her that Logan didn't do anything and make her apologize. Then I give her some extra snuggle time. Well, today Logan has found a reprieve in Mark, because 4 times now Mark has apparently hurt her. LOL I did explain to both the kids that Baby Mark (that's what they call him) is in fact a baby and sometimes his movement are a little jerky, but that he doesn't mean to pull hair, or hit, so we have to be really sweet to him and give him a little break! It's almost 11 now, and guess what, he hasn't been crying since I started this...he is happily crawling around on the floor, and both Logan and Landry are down there with him! Landry is enthralled with all of Mark's toys, and Mark is enthralled with some of the big kid toys. Right now, he's kind of going ape shit over Landry's rug..I brought it down just for him...yeah - it's pink, but well, it has these things that are kind of like tags that babies just love, plus I washed it yesterday, so it's clean! LOL The biggest meltdown so far has been when Mark crawled over and wrapped himself in Landry's blanket (OHWEE)this was not good...she was not a happy camper! LOL Anyway, things are going smoothly and Amber should be picking him up areound 4 today. We just finished "DANCE TIME" which is when I put on Pandora and the kids and I run around like banshees dancing, it's 11:30 now, so Mark is eating and then we will try napping. Amber said he didn't have any trouble going to bed last night, so that makes feel good because I was feeling a little guilty about his short nap at 4 yesterday, luckily I didn't screw anything up! Speaking of feeling guilty...(UGHHH, side note - is this new blog thing irritating anyone else??? I can't make paragraphs...I mean, I hit the enter key, and it does it on the draft, but when I hit publish, it's just all one paragraph!! So annoying!) anyway, 90% of the time, I stop and get chocolate donuts for the kids on Tuesday's and Thursday's. SOMETIMES we will do it on the weekends, and pretty much every time we have company. The rest of the day's they eat cereal or yogurt with fruit. I, am not a breakfast person...never have been. Growing up, I usually had a coke for breakfast. My parents were not the kind to make breakfast for us, if we were hungry we were expected to make our own food, sadly this is kind of how it was for lunch and dinner. Make it yourself or go hungry was kind of the way it worked...unless it was 9:00 and dad hadn't eaten yet, then he would usually go get everyone dairy queen. I am pretty sure that for this reason, my little sister basically lived off of cereal for half of her life. She could go through a gallon of milk in a day, which is what led to her kidney stones. I don't drink milk, so it was never an issue for me. When I think about growing up this way, it makes me wonder how we survived. Don't get me wrong, we ate, it's just that we had fast food about 4 days a week, and went out to dinner at least twice...so it's not like we were completely on our own, its just that we usually went when mom or dad were hungry...let's just say it wasn't "stable". Like I said, breakfast for me usually consisted of coke or Dr. Pepper, then I would have another soda around 10 during the break at school and maybe a Caramello if I was hungry, lunch was usually another soda, a veggie tray (carrots, broccoli, cauliflower, and radishes with ranch dip, a caramello (dessert of course), then another soda before athletics, then another on the way home, and usually 3 or 4 more sodas throughout the evening. I didn't exactly have a well balanced diet. SOOOOOOOOO - back to the point of MY guilt...I feel guilty when I let my kids eat so much sugar. A little here and there doesn't bother me...I don't even feel bad about letting them eat some candy before dinner. In fact, I keep a bag of semi-sweet chocolate chips in the pantry at all times...yes, I know they are for baking, but you do NOT want to be around me when I have a sweet tooth and no chocolate! Every once in a while, I will give the kids a few. Chocolate is just a important as grains...and honestly, how can you blame me for believing this? LOL I mentioned my mommy guilt to one of Logan's teacher's ( Mrs. Amy...I love her!!!), and she told me not to worry, that Logan brings the healthiest lunch out of all 18 kids in the class. Did I mention that I loved her??? She really is so sweet, and it made me think about what my kids do eat. Yeah, they eat some candy, and yeah, they eat donuts twice a week...but Logan eat's salad at lunch...just lettuce, usually spinach leaves, with dried cranberries, and usually some sort of cut up grilled meat (lemon pepper chicken, pork chops, sirloin steak, etc.) He either gets ranch dressing or a balsamic. Then he gets grapes, carrots, broccoli, strawberries (usually topped with some chocolate syrup...not a lot, but still - CHOCOLATE IS A STAPLE!!! and it's dessert!) string cheese, and some sort of whole grain (crackers, gold fish, granola, etc.) For dinner he usually eats what we eat which is usually grilled chicken, pork, or steak and a veggie or a salad as a side dish. The point is, I am always telling other mom's not to feel guilty about what they are doing, because the truth is - we do the best we can. Somedays are better than others, but all in all we do our best. Sure, we all look back and say, I should have done this or that...and sometimes, even when I am feeding my kids McDonalds chicken nuggets for the 3rd day in a row and I feel terrible, and I know I should just go to the damn grocery store so that I don't turn into my parents and my kids don't turn into 300 pound 4th graders, I am just too tired to do it, so I swallow the guilt while they merrily chew and swallow the deliciousness of fat. We are always harder on ourselves than anyone else would dream of being on us. I think that there are certain things that I don't want to repeat with my kids that my parents did to us. Eating is one of those things, so when I do slide and take the easiest, quickest route, I feel terrible guilt. I forget about the fact that 90% of the time they are eating a healthy well balanced diet, and all I can think is what a terrible job I am doing of keeping them healthy. Another thing that tops the list is discipline, I spent all my childhood...hell, even to this day, I walk on egg shells around my mom. I never want to set her off, and I don't want my kids to EVER feel that way about me. I don't let them get away with everything, but I do pick my battles, and while they are definitely spoiled, and can be complete brats sometimes...they are mostly well behaved, really sweet, really caring, and overall really GREAT kids. But when I am in a bad mood and I yell at them over something dumb, I feel terrible. I feel like I am repeating my mother's actions and reactions, and it scares the shit out of me. Then, in my terrible guilt, I over compensate, and tell them how sorry I am and then basically force them to cuddle with me! I am a total basket case, I know this...I guess, this week has been a little hard (and it's only Wednesday) because I feel guilty about Landry getting jealous of me holding another baby, I feel guilty for not holding Mark enough, I feel guilty about giving my kids donuts, I feel guilty about not getting outside and not enjoying the day, taking the kids to the park, or the pool or even playing in the sprinkler. But the truth is, it's hard doing it with all 3 and right now I am still trying to get the hang of it. ( Mark is asleep by the way incase you were wondering how I was able to have so much time to write this novel!) Logan and Landry are coloring Mother's day pictures for my mom and Carol. I guess I have to stop being so hard on myself. That's the moral of all this. We do the best we can, sometimes we make mistakes, but no one will ever love my kids as much as I do...and sometimes when I am going nuts, my love will just have to be enough, because I really am doing the best I can...and like I said - my kids are awesome, so I guess I am doing more things right than wrong!